July 2011 - The Falling Begins

My kids playing on the red cellar door

In the distance I can see the storm approaching, rolling across the horizon from the southwest.  It's still light out but the clouds are roiling, yes, like boiling water and it feels like a rapidly approaching night.  I realize I'm not alone, I'm standing outside with my son.  He's not aware of the approaching danger,  I wasn't aware of him.

Something is off, I realize.  The clouds seem to drop and are rapidly coming closer and I'm feeling the wind now.  I see the tornados start to form and know I've got to get us out of there.  I'm screaming for him to follow me, grabbing at his hand as things start to fly through the air.  I'm near a car, a sedan, it seems to be mine, the doors are open, I try to pull us there, but out of the corner of my eye I see we are parked at the farm, where I grew up. We are standing outside the house and the cellar is in front of me.

It's the cellar with the red metal door, my kids, as I did as a child, would slide down that cellar door, having loads of fun. At the moment, I just want to get into that cellar, away from the impending tornados.  I'm pulling at my son, and he's saying..."Stop......"   I feel this incredible force bring me up and my arms are outstretched and I realize I'm hot and it's hot out and it's bright and I'm scared of falling.

My son on my Honda 50 cc

I'm being bounced and pummeled on the back of my motorcycle and I realize my cousin is in front of me, driving.  "Stop!!  I'm falling!"   I yell at her, I have on red terry cloth shorts and a little red and white shirt.  I must be 9 or so.  The seat isn't big enough for both of us and I'm on the back.  She is laughing and happy.  This is fun, obviously.  Yet, I'm going to fall.  She isn't stopping.  I'm sliding more, the terry cloth isn't as grippy as you'd think it would be.  I'm hanging on to the bottom of the seat in front of me...it's too weird for us to hang onto each other's waists when we ride so I"m gripping that seat.

"KIM!!"  I yell as loud as I can and I then I barely hear her say as I slide off the back of the cycle,  my arms
outstretched, the bumper over the back wheel near my forehead..."Hang on...I got you...."

I'm going down, I realize this is a memory, this did happen.  I'll feel the gravel on my knees soon and they tighten in readiness for the impact.

My left knee bumps against the side of the door and it's dark inside the car.  I realize I'm in the suburban and it's foggy outside and I'm driving.  I'm on a stretch of road I know between San Jose and San Francisco.  There is an area where the road skirts a lake that is is used for water for San Francisco.  "I got this.." says my passenger who I turn to see is one of my girlfriends and I realize the noise from the back of the car is her son and my two kids and they are raucous and bouncing and hitting and pushing and all the things you aren't supposed to do in the car.

"I'm surprised you don't know how to do this", she says as she messes with the radio dial.  I look up and the road is black and it's dark and I'm not on that familiar road after all.  There aren't too many cars on the road at all and the black isn't the road, it's ice and I feel with bottom of my feet the suburban is sliding.  I want to slam on the brakes, but I know that isn't right.

Feet all of a sudden come up near by face, naked little feet, the kids are out of control, my friend still messing with the radio and I'm on a two lane bridge with not very tall barriers and the suburban begins to fishtail and no matter what I do to counter act this fishtail, it just gets worse.

We careen to the left and I feel the tires on the right side of the vehicle go airborne, we glide over the top of the barrier and then there is an opening in the barrier and we drive right off the bridge, I feel my chest hit the steering column, things are flying up in the suburban; trash, clothes.  A cup comes to rest on the top of the dash and I see rocks and water start to form below us, it feels that we have been falling for quite awhile.

My mind is spinning....I say to myself...."This is NOT real! This is not real!...she didn't turn the dial on the radio in the Suburban, we were in the mini van.."

I'm looking down on a wreck of a car in a ravine, it's cold.  I see some wrapped presents strewn on the ground.  I don't want to go closer, I know what this is.   I hear in my head a mans' voice, "I'll be okay...I'll be okay.." and then an incredible stillness.

I'm back at the wheel and I'm getting ready to go around the curve toward the farm.  I'm driving the blue pick-up.   I see some pheasants run across the road and one takes flight, I'm going to hit it, I tap the breaks to only fishtail.  I turn one way and then the next and really feel the back of the truck go in the opposite direction.

I don't take the curve, I run right into and before I hit the embankment I am grabbed from behind, and lifted off of my seat by something I can only describe as other worldly.  An invisible vice holding me from under my arms and  across my shoulders, as if suspending me above the seat. It's so strong and it holds me and we roll with the truck, not just once but twice and the glass from the front window shatters and falls down across my legs like heavy confetti.  It's slow motion for me.  I hear no sound, no crashing, no breaking, nothing.

The truck settles, back on it's wheels and there is a rocking motion as the driver's side door flings open, almost too powerfully, it feels like it extends beyond it's possible opening and with the same force that I was held up, I am pushed out.   I landed on my knees and I could hear in my head a very strong voice tell me to "Get out!..Get away!"

I stood up and the dust was still turning in the air and I looked up and started to walk to the road.   I still can't seem to hear, I notice a car is driving by and as it gets a little further down the road, I hear it.  In the back, a little boy is likely on his knees on the back seat and looking out the back window. He's waving at me.  I know this.  This is a memory, this really happened.  I'm going to go walk to my aunts house now.  She really isn't my aunt, but she is.. my Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Red.  She'll ask me if I turned off the truck, as I try to register the question, we'll hear a huge explosion.

I turn to the left and I realize I'm waking up, I'm spinning in that direction.  My heart is racing.  I grab for the side of the bed and slowly pull myself up.  I try to keep my self upright, slowly, I realize, I can't do it quickly without falling over.   What is wrong with me!!??

I sit there and think back on that dream where I just seem to be falling everywhere, crashing, approaching demise.  Why those dreams?

I've had this spinning feeling for about a week, can't seem to get out of bed too quickly and find myself listing to the left.   Today, it's really bad, just seems to get worse each day since I returned from the farm.   I'm resigned to the fact that I had better try to go to the doctor.   I won't be able to work like this.  I've got another week of my sabbatical left, maybe we can nip this in the bud.